Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
