haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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