You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Randomize
