what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
