i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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