I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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