you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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