So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i now understand why vodka
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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