Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
