I think I died a long time ago.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
