Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
