Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
