the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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