I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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