If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
