There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
