She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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