I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It was like giving head to a cactus.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
