You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
how do flat chested girls get laid?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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