I CAN MOONWALK!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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