She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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