I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
