I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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