he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
