tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just high enough for therapy.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
