I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
