goodnight i made you a song goodbye
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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