I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize