I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize