Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
