The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
