yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
