he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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