he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
