The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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