How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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