Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
