i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
