the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
