I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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