I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
