we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
