3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
