Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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