I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
