I hate your face
I heard we made out
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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