I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this just has baby written all over it
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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