and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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