mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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