I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
