put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
