woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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