What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
