I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
