I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
